i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is Oprah even human
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
