if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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