The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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