Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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