my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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