remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
