I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
