Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drunk is a universal language darling
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
