Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
