Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
