i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
