Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
