How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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