Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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