So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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