In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
