Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
