I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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