I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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