Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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