I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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