I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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