I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
