Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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