I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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