I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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