When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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