she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
