i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize