Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
