I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
