Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
