I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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