I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
