I got chris browned last night
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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