I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
