i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize