apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
