So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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