I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
