Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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