we made out on top of his cat.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
