My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She tied me up with her honor cords...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
