my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
