Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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