im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
