Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
