dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
