I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
