You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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