I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
