Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
