just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
