your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
