can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No stitches, just platelets and will power
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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