someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So much rum. So many feels.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
