hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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