dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
