You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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