I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
